The Masochist
by NikiRadcliffe
Summary: Songfic. BORDERLINE T, almost M. Bella makes a mistake and chooses Jacob over Edward. But Edward is never really gone, is he?


A/N: This is the product of my imagination. Imagine if Bella choose Jacob over Edward.

Disclaimer: All belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just the girl on the swings her in fictional playground. The song belongs to Lauren Fairweather. Read the note on the bottom for more.

**The Masochist**

_He's lying next to me  
Whispering in my ear  
Telling me I'm beautiful  
And pulling me near_

"You're beautiful." Jacob whispered in my ear. I bit on my lip and stayed quiet. I concentrated on just falling asleep. Just falling asleep, so that I can wake up in the morning. Jacob would be going to his mechanic shop, and our daughter, Renee, would be at school. Leaving me all alone. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking of what I would do tomorrow.

_He's such a nice guy  
And I don't know what to do  
Cause all I can think about  
Is how much I want you_

I woke up to find out that Jacob already left. Renee, who was 10, was already leaving for school when I woke up.

"Bye Mom." She said, before picking up her book bag and leaving for the Quileute bus. I watched the bus leave before getting ready. The hot shower was rushed and clumsy, and pretty soon, I was in my tan trench coat, with the sunglasses and the hat I kept for this occasion.

I sped out of town, towards the place where we meet every Thursday. He was there waiting. He was always waiting.

_I want you touching my face  
I want you stroking my hair  
I want you right here, right now  
I want you so bad, I swear_

I didn't even have time to shut the car door before he was there, kissing me roughly, pulling my hat and sunglasses off. I wrapped my legs around him as he ran backwards toward the old house that still had the elegance that I remembered when I first stepped into it.

_I'd rather have you instead  
I'd have you take me right there...  
We both know that you'll hurt me  
But right now, I don't care.  
_

His movements were swift and fast, and we were rolling around on the abandoned house's floor as one. It was always rough, passionate but rough. I felt the contours of his chest with one hand while running my other one through his bronze hair. It was still as smooth as I remembered.

_Why can't it be that  
I fall for someone  
And it all just works out  
Without coming undone_

I was breathing heavily as he dressed himself, smoothing his ruffled hair. I watched him in awe, wondering how he could still move on with life after my choice. He seemed so refined and elegant. My mind wondered back to days in the meadow, when we could just be us without anyone objecting.

"Edward?" I asked, standing up, to put my clothes back on. He looked at me.

"Yes?" His voice was still like velvet. I melted a little inside when he looked at me, his golden eyes ablaze with lust.

"Why do you still come here?" I asked. I found him almost 9 years ago, after I had Renee. I was wandering around town, driving aimlessly to pass the time. I ended up at the Cullen's old house. I wandered through it, crying the whole way. I remembered all times we had. As I entered Edward's room, he was there, on the gold bed that didn't belong. It was silent for half a second before I attacked him. I kissed like I never kissed him before, and he was willing. He took me gladly, not caring about my almost wrinkly eyelids and bony hips. That was the first night.

_Why can't I think of  
The last time we kissed  
Without getting so hot  
There's no way I'd resist_

"That's what I wanted to talk about." He said with melancholy, "I can't do this anymore. You need to choose. Jacob or me?" I turned around so he wouldn't see the tears fall down. His eyes were burning a hole into the back of my head. This wasn't going to be easy. I had a whole life, a daughter who could see her grandparents, a husband who took care of me every night, and a life that I couldn't leave behind. But, this was the soul I truly loved with all of my fragmented heart. He was the reason why I haven't yet spiraled down into nothing but a body without a soul. He saved me.

_I want you kissing me hard  
Until we both get sore  
I want me showing you mine  
And you showing me yours_

"But… if you leave again…" I remembered our goodbyes. When I told him I choose Jacob, it was like telling a child that their mother had died. He didn't react at first. He was calm and collected.

"If that is what you want…" He said, before turning around, and leaving my house. Alice came through my window last night to collect the things she left at my house from all the times she was over. I watched her silently as she grabbed her shoes and some of her clothes from the dirty floor. I could tell by the look on her face that she was full of many different emotions. Anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness.

"Goodbye Bella." She said. She gave me a fleeting look, and ran out of my room, into the cold night.

_I freaking want to continue  
What we started before...  
But you're still holding back  
And so damn hard to ignore_

"If I leave again, then it'll be for good. I'm not coming back after this." He said. I could see the pain he was in. When I found him, that 9 years ago, he was a wreck. His clothes were ripped and torn. His face was contorted in pain, and his hair was wild with dirt and rubbish. I looked like a wreck too. My clothes were hanging off my body. I'd lost a lot of weight, even after having a baby just 8 months before, and I didn't care how people perceived my appearance. My eyes were worn out and my limbs had a constant feeling of ache.

_I don't understand  
How I'm getting along without holding your hand  
I keep asking why  
I can't just move on to this other nice guy  
I know that's unlikely  
While you still mean this much to me  
And I can't resist  
Cause I must be some kind of masochist_

I was torn between leaving for Jacob and staying with Edward. While Edward's eyes were still boring into my back, I went over the options. I loved Jacob and Renee. Renee was my beautiful creation. It would kill her if I left, especially so close to a time where there was a possibility she might change into a werewolf.

And Jacob. I loved Jacob, but not as much as I needed Edward to survive. Jacob was like a cheap replacement for the drug that was Edward. Jacob filled the holes in my heart with tape, when I knew if I stayed with Edward, he would cement them each and everyday, hoping to make it better.

_I want you  
kissing me hard until we're both sore  
I want me showing you mine and_

_you showing me yours  
I freaking want to continue_

"I… I don't know, Edward." I turned to face him. His face was contorted in that hideous and beautiful way. I ran up to him and hugged him. If he could cry, he would be bawling into my hair.

"I need an answer." He said firmly, but I could hear the hesitation in his voice. He didn't want the answer, but he needed it.

_What we started before...  
But you're still holding back  
And it's so hard to ignore  
That I want you  
touching my face and stroking my hair  
I want you  
right here right now so bad, I swear_

"I, I have a family, Edward. A daughter, named Renee. I have a husband who provides for me, and a perfect Hallmark life. It would kill them if I left." I said with regret.

"Then, tonight was the last time." He said. He looked me in the eyes, "Bella, I love you. You've made your choice, and I accept that, but never ever forget, I'll always love you. With every part of my un-beating heart."

It was then that I realized what happened. We switched roles. He used to say he was the masochistic lion, but then I realized that I was the masochistic one. I kept him coming for my pleasure, and it hurt both of us. It killed him inside to see me with a family, yet he kept coming back. I could tell he needed me as much as I needed him. It was like I was the lion, inflicting pain on my poor little lamb. Every time we did this, it was like sticking a knife into his heart. It hurt going it, but it'll hurt a lot more coming out. But I had Jacob, and Renee, and Charlie, and I even had Angela and Mike. I couldn't give that up for anything.

_I'd rather have you instead  
I'd have you take me right there...  
We both know that you'll hurt me  
But right now, I really don't care_

"Bye Edward" I said, before picking up my sunglasses and hat that were on the ground.

"Goodbye… Bella." He said. A guttural cry came from his throat as I pulled out of the Cullen's driveway. I looked through my mirror at the man, realizing that I had made a mistake. I made a k-turn to go back to him, to tell him I loved him, to hold him as he cried tearlessly.

But as I got back into the driveway, all I could hear were cries of agony coming from the backyard, and then I saw the purple smoke, signaling that someone just lit a fire.

A/N: Reviews?

The song is called 'Masochist' by Lauren Fairweather. You can watch her play it on YouTube. She is so talented, it's unbelieveable.

(link) .com/watch?v=K4qFq2zm2b8

It doesn't belong to me, and on the off chance that she actually reads this, well, then she can message me.

So, did you like it?

Good?

Bad?

Leave a review, please, and I'll give you an Edward-Cullen-Scented perfume sample.

You know you want one.


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